It's Her

Him: So, where should the story start?
Her: From where it is not allowed to! 
Him: So let's start from the beginning.
Her: Do you think it could have a start?!
Him: We shall see.
Her: How many of them?
Him: I know a few things about you, but I want you to tell them. Her: Well...
Him: Tell me about your days, how do you spend them? 
Her: I listen to a bit loud music and dance. Isn't that insane?! (She Laughs)
Him: No, not as insane as this conversation!
Her: What are you doing these days? 
Him: Now I am not the subject! Why didn't you sue?
Her: Does your addressee know what are you asking me about? Him: kind of.
Her: What would I gain instead? Scandal! Can you think about it? What I have been made could be used against me! 
Him: What was your idea about such these things before that happens to you? 
Her: I guess I should say I even didn't think about it.
Him: What did you feel at that moment?
Her: What would you do if you were me? 
Him: I have no idea.
Her: Fear. I was so afraid that I couldn't even use my power to defend myself. 
Him: Why do you think he did so? Has he ever tried to make love to you? 
Her: No, no, never. He even didn't ask me to do such a thing. 
Him: How did it happen?
Her: A smack on my buttocks & vagina area & then he quickly put his hands under my arms & locked both his arms around my neck &… 
Him: Did he say anything?
Her: No, shall I continue the rest?
Him: No, did he use violence?
Her: No it wasn't like that; he just wanted to show off his stamina. Him: Which part was the worst?
Her: Humiliating... he treated humiliating. 
Him: Do you think he was enjoying? 
Her: He pretended so…but I'm sure he was trying to make me feel bad… in other word awful.
Him: How do you know? You said he didn't use violence…
Her: By his indifference & his so-called attempt to make me calm Him: Did he want to make you angry? 
Her: Absolutely. 
Him: Were you alone? I mean, wasn't there any one whom you ask for help?  
Her: Yeah, but I was ready to do whatever he wants but no one see me at that situation, it was humiliating!
Him: How much did you know him? 
Her: By means of a friend
Him: Are you sure? 
Her: I assume.
Him: What did he do then?
Her: Are you always so much mean?
Him: What?!
Her: He said “are you always so much mean?”
Him: Did it affect your life or behavior?
Her: That's why I am alone.
Him: You mean you don't want to have any relationships?
Her: It's difficult for me to establish relationship.
Him: You can consider it this way: You're not the only victim.
Her: Yeah but It didn't help. When you want something, you may do anything for it & you may be so sad not having it. No matter how many people can live without it, it's always like that!
Him: Did you communicate that person ever after?
Her: No, I didn't.
Him: Did you see him again?
Her: You see him too. I guess.
Him: So he's well known like you?
Her: Anyway.
Him: Let's hark back to your past memories, to your first experiences.
Her: Go on.
Him: When did you understand the physical differences between men & women?
Her: What a question!! Well, by the birth of my younger brother Him: How old were you?
Her: I guess I was 6.
Him: Don't you want to add anything?
Her: well at first I thought my brother has physical disability but my mother resolved my concern.
Him: how did you experience your first libido?
Her: When I first started experiencing sexual desire all my notions of opposite sex were still so tyro. But I wasn't feeling the same anymore.
Him: If your image about opposite sex were still so childish, how did you experience sexual desire?
Her: in dream.
Him: Actually the thing I am going to ask is a joke, but did you ever have had lip biting, too?
Her: To be honest with you, this is related to a time that you feel the pleasure & pain together but you don't want this pain cause a reaction so that it changes the way you are enjoying. I guess it is physiological.
Him: Which one makes you more upset: if someone bothers you or if you bother someone?
Her: I used to think the former would make me more upset, but there is something that I have never forgotten.
Him: What is that?
Her: I killed my daughter.
Him: You shocked me! What do you mean?!
Her: Abortion.
Him: How old were you?
Her: Two years ago.
Him: Now, back to now. What was the influencer element in your life?
Her: Competition & needs.
Him: Elaborate on it. 
Her: When no one respects you, it is not difficult to choose the option that there is no respect in it & when they do respect you; it is difficult to choose those options that reduce your respect
Him: So you didn't sue him because you didn't want to lose your respect?
Her: indeed.
Him: Or about the abortion?
Her: Maybe.
Him: Recently you received both good & bad news. 
Her: I was told that Mrs. Anna .M is dead.
Him: I am sorry.
Her: I was surprised when they told me this; I wondered why they tell me about this death?
Him: why did you think so?
Her: I don't know. I forgot it. It was unfamiliar to me.
Him: Was it hard to lose your mother?
Her: It was difficult for me, but I felt a new thing inside.
Him: What kind of feeling?
Her: Emptiness.
Him: What does it like? 
Her: Evanescence. 
Him: Did you think about your mother?
Her: No but I think about myself. I remember when I was a child, once my mother told me that her heart hurts so much,& I thought she was going to die, I told her not to sleep because I thought she will die if she sleep.
Him: Did she do so?
Her: No she slept but I couldn't.
Him: At the end, what was the highest price you paid? Abortion or not suing the one who raped you? 
Her: I am sure I did the latter for saving my face, but I am not sure about the former, so I prefer not to choose.

Diaries of 68+1 (Final Chapter)

The picture that Ariana creates from Alvin in her mind is more like Romeo in the story of Shakespeare. There is no Pink and no awareness of what has happened to Alvin. Now she wants to become responsible to the only man of her life. Now even buttoning Alvin's shirt up is enjoyable for her. Although Alvin's love has not lessen after what happened between him and Pink, things have changed in comparison to the past, the one past week. Ariana invites Alvin to her house. To her, he is the one she doesn't need to prove herself to. She can be who she is, with all the things she has and she doesn't. The smell of cake and the sound of music in her house convey her message to Alvin. Now she is ready for Alvin. The kiss that he gave to her the last time, makes her feel much more closer to him than before. So she sits beside him and takes his hands and looks in his eyes deeply. Alvin's mind is full of questions that he asks from himself now. “Ariana is lonely. If I break her heart …” and then he answers to himself: “Even if she is lonely, she has enough time to forget it.”  
“Is it funny if I sometimes think that I can be a good wife?”Ariana asks.
“Really?! It is nice.” Alvin is not surprised. “Ariana is not yours anymore, you're with Pink” He thinks by himself and then: “Pink is not loved”
“I think you could smell the cakes I have just cooked. I go to bring them.” She goes to the kitchen and Alvin goes after her like the last time. He stands behind her and gets himself closer than ever to her. Ariana feels that this time is different from the last time. Maybe a different feeling is here. Alvin circles his hands around Ariana and starts kissing her neck violently. He attaches himself completely to her from behind. He unbuttons her pant and undresses Ariana's bottoms. For one moment something suffers his mind: “Ariana is not your hobby.” Alvin tries to enjoy of what he has. Soon Ariana feels the warmth of a manly hand which touches her naked groin and the area around her sex organ. An enjoyable and new feeling that makes her opens her mouth a little. a feeling that gives identity to her beauty and feminine elegance. But a mixed sense of sin and pleasure is capturing them. Ariana has the feeling because she is unfaithful to her religion and Alvin has the feeling because he is unfaithful to Ariana and Pink. “How do you feel my girl?” Alvin asks calmly. 
“I love you!” She moans like says. Suddenly he hates himself. He hates his behavior. He leaves Ariana and goes to the restroom with a red face. There he masturbates to reduce and turn off his erotic feeling and takes his control. After he comes out from the restroom he founds Ariana looking at him seriously. It means a big WHY. “I'm sorry but I don't think I can fulfill your expectations.” Ariana wants to make fun of him by saying “school child” but instead she says: “Who do you think I am? A sex machine?” her voice is trembling. Knowing the truth is her right but now she is not able to hear what she has to. Alvin prefers to say some of the truth. “Maybe I can't be a good husband for you.”
“Do you sleep with somebody else?” She stops for a moment and continues: “When you were sad that day I didn't want you to tell the reason. But what now?”
“I'll tell you if you insist. I'll tell you everything but I beg you not to insist.”
“Is there anybody except me in his life?” She asks herself but she doesn't have the courage to even know about it.
“I made a mistake.” He says.
“I don't know him. I don't know lots of things about him.” She thinks. “You are a liar Alvin.”
“Isn't your Yippie father that surely is one of the 60s’ survivors is a lie? He says angrily.
“I haven't seen him but I just heard so. Why is it important for you now?” She coolly replies. “It is my fault. It is my fault too.”Ariana thinks so. Alvin leaves the house and leaves Ariana alone with the smell of cake, sound of music and sign of his kisses on her neck.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 11)

Pink is a good friend of Alvin's. But their friendship is more than a common one. Still non of them is seeking for a sexual explore on the other one. So they call each other brother and sister. Pink is spending most of her weekends with Alvin. She puts a new movie's DVD on Alvin's DVD player and wants him to watch it with her. She also knows what has happened to him recently. Alvin finds Pink less responsible than ever while he drinks a glass of water reluctantly.
“Calm down idiot! I bought this movie for you to become a little better!” She says. Alvin sits along side Pink silently and watches the movie. The movie starts with sexual scenes and it makes Alvin skip it because he doesn't want Pink to watch it with him. That's what he usually does. “When I am alone, I watch them. I also want to watch them on slow motion.” Pink says. The only thing Alvin does, is keeping silent. After a while Pink looks at Alvin who is watching the movie reluctantly while she putting back of her hand on her mouth. Then she looks back at television and says: “When I was a little kid, once I watched a porn video. I remember I was scared badly …” Alvin looks at her for a short time and looks back at television. “I didn't know if the woman was happy or sad!” She adds immediately. “How old were you?” He asks.
“I don't know .I didn't go to school. Maybe I did.” She is looking for a way to express him what she means while looking all over the room. “Have you ever had fantasy? I mean …”
“I know what you mean but I don't know why are you asking this question?!”
“You didn’t fantasy of me?! If I was going to create your fantasy I would have done it in reality.” After a short pause she repeats: “Alvin, have you had it before?” Alvin swallows his saliva and looks at Pink pleadingly. She can see signs of arousal in his face. “So that's all about it.” She pushes her hands on his penis. Alvin retracts his muscles in order not to ejaculate. Pink starts moving her hand. “Like this?! Are you enjoying?” She asks while looking at him anxiously. Alvin closes his eyes and puts back of his hand on the sofa while his face is in front of Pink. After a while the humidity of Alvin's pants touches her hand. Alvin's ejaculate is a response to her request. “It has been a long time I wanted to see your face in this situation. So you look like this! It's really interesting. I wish I could take a picture from you.” She says.
“So you're not just a baby, now you're my Babe!”
Pink puts her dress on her face to covers her nose with it. Then she says “One who pisses in his pantie is a baby. Now, don't you want to stop that stink?” Alvin takes Pink’s dress down from her nose quickly. And asks: “Don’t like milk smell?!”
“Can’t be a little more shy?”
“Oh Pink, this is my normal situation!” After a pause she hits him gently by the finger on the nose and says: “I want to complete my late night theories with you.”
“How many theories you know?” He says while moving his finger on Pink’s face. “Everything will become clear when the morning comes.” She response. Evening comes and the light of television is the only light in the house.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 10)

Alvin goes to Ariana’s house without an invitation the next time. His eyes are tired red and his outfit is untidy. He hugs her without any words and puts his head on her shoulder. “Ariana, I want you to know that I am so tired. I need an extreme rest.” Each time he is sad he says “I need an extreme rest” instead of saying “I extremely need a rest.” Ariana hears him breathe shortly and rapidly. For a moment she caresses his hair and tries to look him in the eye. “Alvin …” Despite being stressed she tries to pacify him with her smile. While Alvin playing with her hair like a child he says:”Just don't ask me, that's it.” Some minutes pass like this. “Now I feel much better. I think I forgot to say hello.” Alvin says. And Ariana responds with a broad smile that can show her white tooth. Alvin takes a perfume out of his pocket and says: “I hope you accept this gift. I am sorry I was really in the blue.” This is like what boys do for their girlfriends in Ariana’s mind. She is not ready for such a thing. But now her heart fully belongs to Alvin and she likes him to be completely hers. So she did not want to thank him just by words. Still, she just says: “Thank you very much!”
“Will you bend your head and close your eyes?”
“Another gift?” He says nothing and she does what he said. Now Alvin kisses her lips softly. “Sorry!” He says and leaves the house. Ariana opens her eyes and touches her lips. She doesn't know if she must enjoy her love gift or become ashamed. She wants to live with this beautiful and nice feeling forever.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 9)

Alvin sends a message to Ariana. “Which door of the city belongs to your house? Which meetinghouse is your meetinghouse?” Alvin believes that he is not created to play in the funfair and maybe that is why he thinks of Ariana in different way. Ariana wants to be loved by someone and be important for him. She likes to talk to someone rather than God. “Alvin is not religious but he is an honest guy.” Ariana thinks. People often try to bypass the faults of the ones they love. Ariana is not sure about what she decides to do. She invites Alvin to her house. She has a little house with cheap furniture and an old television which reminds Alvin of the 80s. Still, Alvin feels surprisingly comfortable there. It feels like that time stops and nothing exists outside. Nothing is waiting for spending time outside the house. But Ariana is a little bit nervous and Alvin feels that. Ariana goes to the kitchen to make a coffee and at the same time control her stress. Alvin turns the television on while sitting on the sofa. But after a while he stands up and goes to the kitchen.
“It gets ready in some minutes.” She says with a gentle smile.
“No! I am not in a hurry to drink the coffee, I am here to see how you make it “
“Like others. Maybe a little bit slower.” Even if she does it like others, she treats different from them in Alvin's mind. Ariana can feel him looking at her. She likes the moment to be continued forever and never stops. Even one more minute can be a gift for her.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 8)

One of the university friends of Alvin is a girl whom he calls Pink. It isn't her real name but he has chosen this name for her. She is a child novelist and has a theory in this field of study. She thinks that children are the best creatures for playing because they believe it as a fact. She has a middle height, her hair color is like the color of wheat and she has a childlike face that one can believe that the soul of childhood is alive inside her. One day while the professor was teaching in the class Pink gave a hand note to Alvin and wanted him to complete it. An uncompleted erotic fiction:
“Judy and Eddy both enter the institute at non official time. They are alone in there. Judy sits on a chair and rolls down her pantyhose up to her knee. She seems to be a little bit nervous. Like someone who wants to finish an undone task. And Eddy even doesn't know what she wants to do …” Even eating is more exiting in forbidden time and area. And it was the only reason that persuades Alvin to write: “Eddy feels itchy on his Pennis.” And then gives the note back to Pink. “Itchy? It's funny.” She murmurs and continues the story like this: “Judy starts to touch herself slowly.” Now it's Alvin's turn. “He began to remove her clothes when he gets arousal because a white girl wearing a blue vest is looking at his black and naked body.” This exchanging erotic writing continues till the end of class.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 7)

A café placed in a chain store is friendly enough but not romantic enough for the meeting in Alvin's mind. So that is a situation which she would accept. “Doesn't Ariana wear socks like other young girls?” Alvin thinks to himself. And when she comes with the same dress as the last time. Alvin looks at her shoes, first. Her old shoes attracts him more than her naked feet. For a moment he finds his way of looking childish. Ariana doesn't need to be checked by him. He belongs to another world and Ariana is not looking for what she doesn't know in an unknown world. Alvin treats like a key maker who tries to open a lock with the help of different keys. So he regrets about what he has told about Jesus Christ. “I don't want to disregard the truth. The beauty of religion lies in its free choice.” “Look Alvin, I am a Catholic and you know that I am going to become a nun but I am not bigoted to Catholicism. So I even like some of Martin Luther's words. You know him, don't you?” 
“Are you a Catholic?”
“Yep, what do you mean?”
“I mean don't you want to marry and become a mother?” The way she thinks is surprising for Alvin. Maybe he thinks that the people who think differently from him look different than her!
“Well, it is good to become a mother or can have a good family but each person has her own way.”
“But Virgin Mary was a mother.”
“She was different. Catholic is a discipline like law, I can't break its rules.”
“Well, I'm not going to defend the right of becoming a mother for a young nun because the beauty of religion lies in its free choice.” But in fact Ariana thinks about it too. But she always tried to accept it without any reason just as a fact. On the other hand, Alvin thinks that a non started story can have different endings. And Ariana is not yet a nun. Alvin moves a step forward and asks her to invite him to her home. “For sure Ariana will feel more secure in her home “ He thought.
In her point of view, this request is as unserious as a cartoon. But she answers like: “I rarely invite a guest to my home.”
“So I hope for a day not to be considered as a guest, especially to you.”
This sentence is meaningful to Ariana.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 6)

Now Alvin has less time than before to protest in Wall Street. He is not lazy but it is difficult for him to make a balance between university and movement. Alvin has never been patient but he wants to be united with patience and time because of Ariana. Some people like to read a nice story. But he prefers to live inside a nice one. Nonetheless he thinks that Ariana is an in-experienced girl who can't refuse all requests. So he calls her and wants to meet her in a friendlier place. They have met four days ago for the last time. In fact she doesn't like to treat like other girls by the way she wants to have such a meeting. But she needs a reasonable reason for having such a meeting with Alvin. His request is friendly but he uses serious sentences. The meaning of this request is unspoken words that he wanted to tell her. He is so serious in stating the subject she doesn't know about that allows her to accept it.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 5)

It is night for both Alvin and Ariana after a common memory at university. Ariana sits on her broken bed where she can look at the little hall of her home lighting up with a white light. “He wants to meet me again “Ariana thinks to herself and smiles for a moment. A new feeling is growing up in her. Although she is a religious person but she is like all her peers. But she empties her mind from this subject very soon. “Don't forget Ariana that you are not like other girls to experience everything.” She says to herself. She prefers to focus on something more important. Maybe her mind is not used to start a love experience. At the moment Alvin is reading a book that he has already read a lot like it in his hand. But he likes to experience a new taste in his life. From the moment Ariana explained her past for Alvin, this tenderness started in him, tenderness to accept responsibilities and discover. Maybe Ariana was the book that Alvin is trying to read. For a person who has got all his life opportunities easily, it is not difficult to be courageous enough to experience new tastes.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 4)

University was a different place for a girl whose experience of social places was limited to school and church. That day Alvin's identity was also different to Ariana. “Someone whose teacher or teachers perhaps are political analysts in CNN, Fox News and … ” She thoughts.  
Alvin preferred one of the university empty classrooms to meet her. Ariana knew about Christine or she just thought that she knew but she founds herself in an unknown academic society. Ariana tried to hide her inner stress with an empty smile. Alvin started the conversation with a question:
“It is told that whoever believes is Jesus Christ will go to Paradise. Is that right?”
“Sure”
“So a member of Wall Street who believes is Jesus Christ will go to Paradise despite his sins, right?”
“We are not God and cannot judge others.”
“I am sorry but I think Jesus Christ is not honest. He tells you not to commit a sin, he wants the poor not to do prostitution but at last he will bless your Yippie father's sins, the one who you didn't even want to talk about, just for he believes in Jesus Christ. Maybe Jesus also seeks power like others.”
It wasn't difficult for her to be patient in such a situation.
“What do you know about my father?” She paused for a moment. Alvin blamed himself for what he said but he remained silent. Ariana continued: “I have lived with my grandma from my childhood; do you want to know why?” Ariana gazing at the door and said: “I am a bitter result of a young couple experience who got mom and dad much more earlier than you can imagine.” Soon after Ariana put her hand on her brow and felt like being humiliated for she reviled all her life secrets easily. “Did you want to know it?!” Alvin was sorry to make her explain everything that she wanted to hide. For a couple of minutes, silence was the only voice. It started raining and it broke the silence. Ariana preferred to connect her life experience to her knowledge about Jesus Christ in order to correct the created picture of herself in Alvin's mind. So she said: “If my parents really believed in Jesus Christ and needed him, they never made that mistake.”
“How can you be this certain? Is it what is written in Bible?”
“Don't tell me what is written in Bible. I know it all.”
Alvin was going far from Ariana as he went near Jesus Christ. At this moment two students entered the classroom. It seemed that a class was going to start. Ariana stood up. “Can we meet again?” He asked. 
“We can be in touch”

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 3)

Alvin found Ariana sitting on an Investment Consulting Company stairway. Protest could be a good subject to start a conversation in such a situation. There was no need to a special introduction.
“You think how many more days do we have to continue protesting here?” Alvin asked Ariana .
“I didn't think someone who talks about the American Dream, asks such a question.”
“So you heard my words.”
“Yes, but I wonder why you compared our movement with 68’s movement.”
“What do you know about 68’s movement?”
“I only know Marin Luther King and my dad who was a Yippie, right?”
“You forgot to mention the students; I mean SDS and Tom Hayden!”
“Because I didn't know about them.”
“So you said that you are a Yippie’s daughter not Rupert Murdoch's!” 
“Right, I was.”
“And now?”
“Never mind”
“I didn't introduce my self. I am Alvin.”
“Ariana”
“You always come here Ariana?”
“This is my second home, after the church.”
“99%”
“Outside here all of us are a part of 1%”
Alvin taking out a cigarette from his cigarette pack and respond: “You know that my apartment is outside here!”
“Would you please not smoke Alvin?”
He put the cigarette in his packet and goes:
“If you were supposed to be the Mayer I would vote for you. “That's because I didn't let you light your cigarette?”
He just gazing at the protesters and smiled.
For a couple of minutes they didn't say a word. Ariana looked around bored.
“Do you work?” Alvin asked Ariana.
They didn't look at each other.
“Yes, but a part-time one. I am going to become a nun very soon.” The young lady that attracted Alvin, now was making him curious but he just said:
“I work part-time too. “ At that moment.
“Are you looking for a better job?”
“Yea, but the situation will be the same until I graduate next year. You know everything about Christine for sure. Don't you?” “Sufficient but not perfect.”
“I want to know more about Christine.”
“Bible!”
But Alvin was not looking for the Jesus Christ.
“I know Bible Jesus Christ but I want to know yours.”
Ariana didn't want her knowledge and belief in Jesus to be challenged but she couldn't think of a second choice.
“Do you want to talk about Jesus?”
“Yes, in another time and a better place.”
Ariana wasn't sure about his willingness but she didn't say a word. Alvin knew well that he could not invite Ariana to his apartment so he suggested university for another meeting.
“Maybe this is a heavenly examination for me.” She thought and accepted the invitation.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 2)

Days of movement passed by protesters' speeches and sometimes the security forces. The movement was a part of routine life for most of people. But the most alive days of this city were the days passing by at nights. It was 10:37 am and some are yet sleeping across the city because they were night fighters! At the same time Alvin, student of Economics in Columbia university, stood on a stage crossing his hands and was delivering a speech. “We are not contemporary with Che and Jean-Luc Godard. We've learned philosophy from the streets of this city, not Marx. We are the inheritors of 68’s Global Movement but we are not dreamers, because we want to build the history. And we are the American Dream.” Some heard his voice, some didn't. Some remembered and some forgot. But Ariana remembered his face.

Diaries of 68+1 (Chapter 1)

A  student, surely one of those who said we are the 99% in Wall Street movement. Those who have seen him can remember him like this: a young man with messy medium length hair and a tidy outfit but an unshaved face. And a lovely voice specially in pronouncing some words. Seemed like he put his tongue close to his palate . But he only heard one person. The one who was saying: “We didn't say why, so we are responsible and maybe a little bit defendant.” She was one of the ordinary girls that cried: “Today we forget ‘me’ to create the movement.” “I am not Rupert Murdoch’s daughter to become important. I scream, I shout to be heard, because non of us owns a media.” The young student of Economics was just looking.

Lucy's Room (Final Chapter)

Eric introduced me to a film maker and I'm supposed to play in a 8 minute rule in a long movie. I sacrificed my character to enjoy life like many others. But now I can see all of my happiness are somewhere outside me while it was no longer new to me anymore. I'm afraid of the fact that I'm not myself and I'm not satisfy of the mood that I'm in. I sent a text message to Tommy.
- I have no doubt to big bang theory cuz I create it by myself.
After an hour he replied:
- For some who always said: In the name of brother, sister and a monster, it's not a surprise. 
-  Do you know what does it mean if I send you only (…) Tommy? 
- When every thing that you want to say is lock. 
- (…) 

Lucy's Room (Chapter 14)

The positive of badness for me is breaking the traditions. The excitement of sport doubles when violence and danger add it on, like football. This also applies to sex. Even if I want to be against some of my experiences, I can't be against BDSM. Because… When my eyes were closed and I didn't know that the next hit is pain, pleasure or both, where my moans were mixed with passion and pain. Under the bondage, he had my control. My thirst to sexual satisfaction went to the top when he started licking me. All of my existence expected for a fast hard thing to dart and surround my vagina and convert all of my desire to gratification but he didn't dipped his sharp inside me while my hands was tide up. Then he stopped licking and freed up my feet. I needed to the first move to raise my served moan and orgasm. I was trying to rub my vagina by my heel. I was biting my lips and at a moment I had no fear, no shame and no choice against the sound of sex DJ that took over my body and sense. At a moment I was nobody.

Lucy's Room (Chapter 13)

I sleep with my bald and old Hollywood and wake up with my dreamy Hollywood. The voice I've never heard from myself now flashes back in my mind. When he said frequently "Rise your breathe Lucy, rise, rise" 
It was only my moan that took over the room. All of my body, voice and even breath could find a new meaning under the orgasm theme. It was me, the girl whom I never knew her. I'm one who enjoy of her existence, when there's no limit to joy but joy.

Lucy's Room (Chapter 12)

It was late night and while I was sleeping, I felt pressure on my butt that woke me up. It was Eric...  
- No, don't, don't touch! (I cried) 
- Why?! Are you worried that I may burn myself, babe?
Then he locked my arms by his hands. 
- Enjoy Lucy. If you don't want to know yourself as a sexual victim for your whole life.
His bald head smacked my cheek. 
- Enjoy of sexual inhale and exhale. Lucy, Lucy. (he whispered)
Then he grabbed my tits from my T-shirt, the only thing that I was wearing. It was hard and I didn't want to be a doll for him. So, I closed my fingers to my vagina because I wanted to enjoy of myself. It made him wild and it was the reason that I lost my virginity. 

Lucy's Room (Chapter 11)

Ten days have passed since new life and new room. I find Eric a reasonable man. Amazingly he always has answer to everything. Once I asked him about romance scene at movies. I was wondering how it could be possible for a married woman to kiss another man at a movie. In my mind it can break a relationship at any stage.
- Make no sense is our motto. We're not representative of low culture, Lucy!
- Is it possible?
- It's a rule Lucy, It's a rule. We all condemn cheaters. So, an actor has to separate his sense from his body and act.
- It doesn't matter what label you put on this. Kissing is kissing!
- So, if an actor shows you anger through his rule, does it mean he is really angry?! There's a border between performing and acting. A movie star is not a porn star to perform at any unrated scenes.
- You know Eric that I don't have any problem with such things. But I'm really worried about people opinion about me.
- People are the best judge. They know difference. It's the reason that they live with celebrities but they may only enjoy of pornography.
- How sure are you about this?
- You listen to music, watch movies and maybe enjoy of pornography…
- Oh, what a heck Eric!
- Like others. Exactly! But what do you want to be? A porn star?!
- I knew you're the one who I can trust him.
- Clear as mud Lucy?! 
- No, I got it.

Lucy's Room (Chapter 10)

The man whom I met was about sixty years old. Somehow I picture the 70's when I saw him even though I didn't live then. I was introduced to him by a friend.
- You must be Lucy, Lucy Cannon, right? 
- Hello, Mr. Cutler. Yea, I'm Lucy Cannon. 
- Call me Eric.
- Eric! OK. 
- So, you said, you want to be a star?
- In fact you told me that Eric.
- I'm sorry but I don't want to be a star. I'm a manager
- Hehe… I know you are. But you told me that I can be a star.
- Well, every pretty girl can be a star.
- But it's different about me. Not?
- If you want to be star, you need a god but not one of those who forgive your sins.
- Let me tell you a truth Eric, I really want it all and I believe if I want something I do everything for it. But, I really don't know how. - I would arrange interviews with media and make proper introduction to film makers and publishers.
- So…
- So, I have a personal studio in my house. I can take some picture from you.

I was suspicious to him, but I didn't want to lose my chance. Taking risk is part of life and sometimes there's no time to be sure.

- Where should we go now, Eric?
- Not so far Lucy. He took some shot from me and then he asked: "How old are you Lucy?"
- sixteen
- That's so nice. But it's better not to go any future.
It's true I had self exploration on Internet. But I was there undetected. It made me to believe he's a trustable person. So, when he asked me to stay at his house despite the fact that I'm not an outdoor girl, I accept his invitation. With the exception of living in a new room there was nothing else there for me. But Eric was the same person who I needed to count on his help. So, I don't know if I should have told him a no.

Lucy's Room (Chapter 9)

He didn't sleep in my room anymore. The room that many guys have seen it through me now. I woke up late and I find Tommy watching TV. It was clear for me he's upset with me. So, I wet a tissue and tried to clean his eyes as before when I was twelve year old and he was sixteen.
- If you care Tommy, I didn't want to lose my mind as Jack Nicholson in ‘The shining’.
- It's all nonsense. Please don't continue.
- No problem Tommy. No problem. I'm going my angry bird brother!
I've wished to tell him I'm going to meet someone who I don't know is a liar or a manager. I've wished…